job satisfaction

an oxymoron for the moment. it pays the bills. it affords me. it exhausts me. god, i dread it.

an acquaintance of a friend said it best: “this place keeps me afloat, but i want to fly”  (amen to that, fledgling bird).

everyday, they say, i’m saving lives, making a difference. it is the most trusted profession. everyday i feel like we’re really dropping the ball, failing to pursue human wholeness. nobody ever promised that, but i feel like it should go without saying.

(just saying.)

a coworker said it best: “i feel like i’m just applying band-aids all day, but not really changing anything in the long-term” (the problem with the system, generally speaking).

“what is your calling?” i read somewhere. i thought. i professed to an audience of one, i want to help people change their lives for the better, to see them overcome the things that ail them. i like the small victories, we all have our demons.

a friend said it best: “i see you doing something natural and gentle” (i started chest compressions on a woman, the team arrived and fluids spilled out of her orifices as we pumped pressure, we pumped air, we pumped drugs in. she was very sick. she should have had a peaceful death but instead it was violently dealt).

i work for a machine. its particular set of values clashes with my own, it’s a bit of a storm. i’m working on a way out or a different way through. because i like parts of it, and i like the opportunities i have. i want more of the (human) parts i like, and less cog in a wheel.

do you hear that, universe?

i washed the body of a man who died a peaceful death. i met him only hours before. i gently freed him from his IV, his catheter, his heart monitor. i cleansed him and i put a tag on his toe and i rolled him into a bag and i zipped it up. all the while i thought about his life. he was a Cherokee man, and i wondered about the rituals and beliefs of his culture surrounding death. it was my honor to send him off in a caring and gentle way.

an herbalist who is also a scientist said it best: “[you can work within the system, but you don’t have to adapt its world view]” (true, but you still gotta answer for yourself). you still got an answer for yourself. what is the question?

when does the (r)evolution begin?

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